I see where the libruls are now contemplating home schooling cause the queen of multi-level soap and cream is now the Secretary of Education which makes her the darling of the creationism crowd.
I think I’ll run an ad regarding my ability to teach stuff to all the home-schoolees. I think I got the right stuff.
So I better check in on what them kids are supposed to learn when they’re sitting at the kitchen table being confused cause they couldn’t say a prayer in real school before taking a test but in their chapels-by-the-fridges they sure can.
If our textbooks have got to include warnings that such and such is only a theory, then by gum we need to apply the rule across the board. That means starting with the 3 R’s and includes the Bible.
Reading:
There should be something that says :
Warning youngster – the words you’re about to read are only the product of a theory and can only be proven by “faith”.
That means that you have to trust that what you read is telling you something useful. If you read a word you don’t understand, look it up in the dictionary. But remember that what a dictionary says is only a theory too and it might not be true.
Writing:
Warning youngster – writing is the way you make your own reading show up in words. That of course means that what you want to say will only be a theory. Them who read what you write are not supposed to believe your words. Instead they have to prove to themselves about what you say by using “faith.”
Now faith is also only a theory that must be proven. So you see, everything you read and write and say and do and think and feel are only theories which you must prove by faith – again, which is only a theory.
Getting complicated for you?
Well that’s what your smart parents think is the best way for you to grow up and be as smart as they think they are. By the way, Working with books in this way ain’t the way they grew up to be as smart as they are.
Arithmatic:
(This is where it gets good.)
Any number is only a theory. If I have two apples in my hand, that means that I’m holding two theoretical things that might or might not be apples. An “apple” is a theory about a certain kind of “fruit” which – theoretically- is something that grew once before getting killed by harvesting or falling off a theoretical tree. The apple still tastes sweet – even if it is dead – and is good for you to eat.
But then eating only for pleasure might be sinful which again is only a theory.
Anyway, I have two theoretical apples in my two hands which are theoretical products of evolution which is … (you guessed it – a theory).
Now them apples may be the product of “intelligent design” – what some of your parents says ain’t a theory cause they read it in their not-a-theory Bible.
I don’t know why the Bible isn’t considered a theory but for many grown-ups it ain’t. But fair is fair and if yer folks learned that the Bible isn’t theory because they exercised their own faith, then by gum what was good enough for them’ll be good enough for you.
So New Rule:
The Bible contains theories that must be proven by faith.
Now back to Arithmatic:
I have two (which may or may not be an accurate count) apples (which may or may not be apples.) You ask me to give you one – theoretically. Now if I ain’t theoretically selfish and you look theoretically needy or deserving, I might theoretically decide to “share” (a theoretical virtue) and give you one half of how many apples I’m holding in my theoretical evolutionized hands.
What’s that you say?
How do you know a half is really a half? You just have to take it on faith you uppity little whippersnapper.
See what I mean?
In order to make schooling consistent and the same way all across the board, were going have to post a sticker on the Bible that says
“Contains theories that can only be proven by faith.”
Well, it’s a start but I’d hate to be teaching a Sunday School class for kids or adults using these here criterias.
And what hell there’d be to pay trying to teach kids about theoretical birds and bees whose lusty behavior has to be taken on faith.
Curmudgeon at Work 