Goofin with the bees: Odds and Ends

curmudgeon at work
Curmudgeon At Work

I put on my snow boots and went out to survey the sidewalk up to the door, the back yard and the driveway to the garage door.

Now I’m back in the living room, tired, sweaty, sipping java and writing without critical thought each thing that pops into my head.


Awe … here we go again …..

More of that hard-to-read intellekchal stuff that me and the MAGATS are aginst.

They have a saying in Texas … and I’m sure it’s out here somewhere in the Washington Payloose or down in the Kindergarten Konservate Choir of Utah … “fool around me once and … er,”

“fool me around once or twice … er, ”

“fool around with me or my wife …”

Oh what the hell …

Concepts are fungamental … you don’t need to go read no phillysophicles plays and dial-a-prayers to figure out the basic stuff.

If this Socrater guy and Aristophupperlips came into the bar where I’m drinking and start spoutin all that foreign-illegal–immigrant talk, I’d know how to put em in their place … me and my red cap prezident.

you dang intellechal’s are presickley the reason why statecraft and good governance should come out of the end of a beer bottle and not some dang misoverestimated thespian-knickers class at them Kudzu-League schools where thinkers are allowed but shouldn’t be.

You know which ones I’m talkin about – those schools where lots of thinking gets done but ain’t none of them won a Rose Bowl in my lifetime.

My wife tells me to quit cussin when I read somethin cause I’m probably dyin to say somethin too. So I better check in on what them folks want our kids ta learn when they’re sitting is school being confused cause they couldn’t say a prayer before takin a test.

If our textbooks have got ta have stickers on them sayin such and such is only a theory, then by gum we need to apply the rule across the board startin with the 3 R’s and includin the Bible.

On Readin: Warning youngster – the words you’re about to read are only the product of a theory and can only be proven by “faith”. That means that you have to trust what you read is tellin you somethin useful. If you read a word you don’t understand, look it up in the dictionary. But remember, what a dictionary says is only a theory too and it might not be true.

On Writin: Warning youngster – writin is the way you make your own readin show up in words. That means that what you want to say will only be a theory and them who read what ya write are not supposed to believe your words. Instead they have to prove to themselves about what you say by “faith.” Now faith is also only a theory that must be proven. So ya see, everything you read and write and say and do and think and feel are only theories which you must prove by faith – which is also a theory.

Gettin complicated for ya? Well that’s what yer smart parents think is the best for you to grow up and be as smart as they think they are. By the way, that ain’t the way they grew up to be as smart as they are.

On Rithmatic: This is where it gets good. Any number you see is only a theory. So if I have two apples in my hand, that means that I’m holding two theoretical things that might or might not be apples. And an “apple” is a theory about a certain kind of “fruit” which – theoretically- is something that grew once before gettin killed by harvetin, but still tastes sweet – even if it is dead – and is good for ya ta eat. But then eatin only fer pleasure might be sinful which again is only a theory.

Anyway, I have two theoretical apples in my two hands which are theoretical products of evolution which is … (you guessed it – a theory). Or them apples may be the procudct “intelligent design” – what some of yer parents says ain’t a theory cause they read it in their not-a-theory Bible.

I don’t know why the Bible isn’t considered a theory but for many grown-ups it ain’t. But fair is fair and if yer folks learned that the Bible isn’t theory by exercisin their own faith then by gum what was good enough fer them’ll be good enough fer you.

So New Rule: The Bible contains theories that must be proven by faith.

Now back to rithmatic: I have two (which may or may not be an accurate count) apples (which may or may not be apples.) And you ask me to give you one – theoretically. Now if I ain’t theoretically selfish and you look theoretically needy or deservin, I might theoretically decide to “share” (a theoretical virtue) and give you one half of how many apples I’m holdin in my theoretical hands.

What’s that you say? How do you know a half is really a half? You just have to take it on faith you uppity little whippersnapper.

See what I mean?

In order to make schoolin consistent and the same way all across the board, were gonna have to post a sticker on the Bible that says “Contains theories that can only be proven by faith.”

Well, it’s a start but I’d hate to be teachin a Sunday School class for kids or adults using these here criterias.

And what hell there’d be to pay tryin to teach kids about theoretical birds and bees whose lusty behavior has to be taken on faith.

Slipping into a broken record hymn ..  “bringing in the literalist sheep” or “nearer my LaHaye/Jenkins Literalist Fantasy to thee.”

We believe in JEEEEEZUSSSS! Yeah?

Reverend Jabba the Falwell (R.I.P.) once solemnly declared to humanity: “You’re a failure as a human being if you’re not a born again Christian” – i.e., if you haven’t accepted Jesus as your personal savior.

So that must mean that Jesus has to accept Himself as His personal savior to meet the Born Identity?

and Jesus has to acknowledge Jesus as his personal savior to avoid being left behind in the clouds while the Pastor Hagee and the rest of the born-agains are snatched into heaven when the end times begin?

and Jesus rightfully intended that early followers should found – not caring communities – but cadres of conservative capitalist Christians intent on plowing up the lilies,

strip mining the Mount of Olives,

clear cutting the Garden of Gesthemene

and stoning all heretical “failures as human beings” as defined by St. Falwell?

… so that 2000 years later self-righteous and self-aggrandizing fatheads could tell millions of the hypnotized on worldwide television … “me and Jesus were talking last week.

Now Reflublican Jesus must have told his crew that His “most-favored nation” was going to get some hellfire and damnation cause of its on-going practice of tolerance of gays and failure to condemn liberals.”


Well Pat Robertson me boy, I used to talk to Jake (my Aussie Shepherd) before he joined all the other canines in heaven and wow! Jake barked his dog talk, but I heard the voice of JEEEEEZUSSSS in those woofs!

And Jeeeeezusss told me that I needed to start paying more attention to him cause there was a trinitarian broadcast fathead who couldn’t see past the halo on his nose and who was saying some dang stupid stuff but leaving out all the “verily verily’s” that are supposed to introduce prophecy when proclaimed.

But I ramble …

Stark Trek’s Prime Directive probably included tax cuts for all alien civilization members with income equal to 1000 times the average working alien’s earnings, eh?

Of course what they didn’t tell us was that the dilithium crystals originally were renewable but a company named Monsanto figured out how to change their internal structure into something more battery-like — called them genetic dilithium crystals that could not be re-energized the old fashioned way …

and that for every prime directive violated, the Enterprise carried a contingency crew for easing the impact and cleaning up the mess: It was called the Federation Enterprise Mop-up Authority: FEMA


Author: Arthur Ruger

Married and in a wonderful relationship. Retired Social Worker, Veteran, writer, author, blogger, musician,. Lives in Coeur D' Alene, Idaho

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