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Category Archives: biblical literalism

We’ll get back to Happy Hour … but first a word from our sponsor: Big Theology Pharma.

eternal damnation syndrome
Are you suffering from EDS: Eternal Damnation Syndrome?
Folks, have you been saved?

Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior?

Accepting Jesus as your personal savior is an important moment in the life of God’s children. As the late Reverend Jerry Falwell told us, “if you are not a born again Christian you are a failure as a human being.”

If you fail as a human being you will miss out on the eternal reward that is part of God’s plan for you. Worse, you will be eternally unforgiven and left to the dungeons of Satan who shows no mercy.

Friends, until you come to understand God’s patriarchal order of things, you will remain festered with the EDS infections. As America’s premier televangelist Pat Robertson has declared solemnly,

“I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that’s the way it is, period.”

EDS can also have fatal consequences if you and your loved ones remain ignorant of the rampant spiritual warfare going on all around us. As the famous Christian warrior, General Boykin declared,

“We as Americans, we as Christians, need to understand that that’s not the enemy that America’s up against. In fact, the enemy that we’re up against is called the principality of darkness, he’s called Satan. We are in fact in a spiritual battle, ladies and gentlemen, more than we are in a physical battle.”

Now please understand – and we say this with genuine self-righteous and condescending love as we hate the sin but love the sinner – Christ Jesus and the Holy Bible are the only one true path to a cure for EDS.

As that wonderful Christian politician, Tom Delay, told us,

Only Christianity offers a way to understand that physical and moral border. Only Christianity offers a comprehensive worldview that covers all areas of life and thought, every aspect of creation. Only Christianity offers a way to live in response to the realities that we find in this world — only Christianity.” —-House Majority Whip Tom DeLay [R-Tex].

If you are not yet a born again Christian, you have EDS which is a spiritual disease with fatal consequences.

But you can act now! Call the number on the screen or drive out Rapture Road to the Forever Saved Evangelical Megachurch, where we have the antidote to EDS and are selling it at a reasonable eternal price.

We will provide for you from our formula pulpit all you need to know to protect yourself and your family from the terrible consequences of untreated EDS.

We will dose you with scripture. We will throw the Good Book at you because we know that the Bible is perfect, free from error and that includes the wonderful revelations of true science and history of our young 6000-year-old planet.

We will assure you of the literal existence of Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve (yuck yuck, that’s a joke son). We will explain how they tripped over the simplest trap God could set and left us all divinely cursed for ever with EDS – unless you let us dose you with the antidote.

We will show you how God and Noah saved the dinosaurs even though all Noah had was his humble God-designed ark.

We will teach you of the Eternal Godhead who has revealed himself as ONE God existing in THREE persons and you will better understand who is behind the plan to punish you eternally from EDS if you do not repent.

We will tell you about the Lord Jesus Christ, or as we like to refer to Him in our scriptural tone of voice, “Christ Jesus,” who waits for you to appoint Him as your savior and start the healing flow of intravenous spiritual atonement that will eradicate that pernicious EDS from your Edenic-cursed body.

You don’t have to do anything to be cured of EDS except believe in faith after you’ve paid for our product by promising forever the first ten percent of all money that ever falls into  your hands.

Eternity doesn’t come cheap and we have advertising and logistical expenses to meet as we dispense with the cure to EDS.

Once you’re into the pay cycle, Jesus has done the rest and you will be able to strut confidently through the remaining steps of your life, knowing that your future is set, safe, secure and a done deal.

Brothers and Sisters, we will reveal to you the sanctity of marriage and explain how nobody ever got married before God gifted the Jews and later the Christians with the irrevocable  patent and ownership of all marriage contracts.

Curing yourself of EDS is vital in order that you not be a failure as a human being.
We believe in the One God but are worried about Satan & His Judgment. We also believe in the reality and personality of Satan and the eternal judgment of Satan and his angels (again Satan is not a God even though we treat him like one.)

So stand up, gird up your loins and take for yourself the helmet and shield of trust in someone else’s magic.

Act now and we will double your dose of the cure and include the complete set of Left Behind novels so that you will have a better picture of what happens to those who never cure EDS.

Call now … shysters are waiting to help you.

 

Monkeying around with textbooks: I might make a good home-school teacher

godithinkiwilljustletthewholethingevolve

I see where the libruls are now contemplating home schooling cause the queen of multi-level soap and cream is now the Secretary of Education which makes her the darling of the creationism crowd.

I think I’ll run an ad regarding my ability to teach stuff to all the home-schoolees. I think I got the right stuff.

So I better check in on what them kids are supposed to learn when they’re sitting at the kitchen table being confused cause they couldn’t say a prayer in real school before taking a test but in their chapels-by-the-fridges they sure can.

If our textbooks have got to include warnings that such and such is only a theory, then by gum we need to apply the rule across the board. That means starting with the 3 R’s and includes the Bible.

Reading:

There should be something that says :

Warning youngster – the words you’re about to read are only the product of a theory and can only be proven by “faith”.

That means that you have to trust that what you read is telling you something useful. If you read a word you don’t understand, look it up in the dictionary. But remember that what a dictionary says is only a theory too and it might not be true.

evolution-is-a-theory

Writing:

Warning youngster – writing is the way you make your own reading show up in words. That of course means that what you want to say will only be a theory. Them who read what you write are not supposed to believe your words. Instead they have to prove to themselves about what you say by using “faith.”

Now faith is also only a theory that must be proven. So you see, everything you read and write and say and do and think and feel are only theories which you must prove by faith – again, which is only a theory.

Getting complicated for you?

Well that’s what your smart parents think is the best way for you to grow up and be as smart as they think they are. By the way, Working with books in this way ain’t the way they grew up to be as smart as they are.

Arithmatic:

(This is where it gets good.)

Any number is only a theory. If I have two apples in my hand, that means that I’m holding two theoretical things that might or might not be apples. An “apple” is a theory about a certain kind of “fruit” which – theoretically- is something that grew once before getting killed by harvesting or falling off a theoretical tree. The apple still tastes sweet – even if it is dead – and is good for you to eat.

But then eating only for pleasure might be sinful which again is only a theory.

Anyway, I have two theoretical apples in my two hands which are theoretical products of evolution which is … (you guessed it – a theory).

Now them apples may be the product of “intelligent design” – what some of your parents says ain’t a theory cause they read it in their not-a-theory Bible.

I don’t know why the Bible isn’t considered a theory but for many grown-ups it ain’t. But fair is fair and if yer folks learned that the Bible isn’t theory because they exercised their own faith, then by gum what was good enough for them’ll be good enough for you.

So New Rule:

The Bible contains theories that must be proven by faith.

Now back to Arithmatic:

I have two (which may or may not be an accurate count) apples (which may or may not be apples.) You ask me to give you one – theoretically. Now if I ain’t theoretically selfish and you look theoretically needy or deserving, I might theoretically decide to “share” (a theoretical virtue) and give you one half of how many apples I’m holding in my theoretical evolutionized hands.

What’s that you say?

How do you know a half is really a half? You just have to take it on faith you uppity little whippersnapper.

Image result for math and creationism

See what I mean?

In order to make schooling consistent and the same way all across the board, were going have to post a sticker on the Bible that says

“Contains theories that can only be proven by faith.”

Well, it’s a start but I’d hate to be teaching a Sunday School class for kids or adults using these here criterias.

mancreatedingodsimage

And what hell there’d be to pay trying to teach kids about theoretical birds and bees whose lusty behavior has to be taken on faith.

 

… Regarding the gods and prophets of our modern fundamentalists … the same will be said.

bulfinch

Thomas Bulfinch … who said in the opening lines of the first chapter of his 19th-century masterpiece, (If you can’t find the book, look here)

“The religions of ancient Greece and Rome are extinct. The so-called divinities of Olympus have not a single worshiper among living men. They belong now not to the department of theology, but to those of literature and taste.

There they still hold their place, and will continue to hold it, for they are too closely connected with the finest productions of poetry and art, both ancient and modern, to pass into oblivion.”

About Sacred-Texts

… Regarding the gods and prophets of our modern fundamentalists … the same will be said.

 

… from out of the literal minds of white evangelical Christianity emerged some of the silliest fiction ever written

 

 

Years ago from out of the literal minds of white evangelical Christianity emerged some of the silliest fiction ever written. Literally millions of readers went prophetically gaga.

Why, that series was so good, every thrift store in America still has a gaggle of those noisy books just in case you haven’t read them.

That’s why the title of this article is so spot on.

“The upshot of this survey is that white evangelicals want to go back to Ozzie and Harriet—in time, behavior, and gender roles. This does not bode well for their influence in the future, and their embrace of Donald Trump and his alt-right followers will hurt them far more than they can imagine politically. This excellent report shows that despite all of their protestations, white evangelicals and Protestants are truly the ones who are left behind.”

Another way to describe a performance-based-religion.

“At the heart of all conservative, Evangelical Christianity is the sum of Satan’s biggest ploy, a mixed Gospel that is in truth, no Gospel at all—an imposturous trick of grandiose proportions that pimps a “good news” proclamation deemed to be straight from the throne of God that is in reality only partially good news, if good news at all.

God loves you, BUT.
He saves you, BUT.
He blesses you, BUT … you must repent, make a faith choice, and love Him back in all the right ways, or else.

This is the essence of a mixed Gospel, always containing some level of human performance for its existence and effectiveness in one’s life. God does His part, but you need to do yours—until then, a divine connection is hit or miss at best, and nothing of God reaches beyond this divide until you appropriately reach back.

This is bad news—terrible news. God and His dealings with all humanity are deemed as contractual and conditional at the core, requiring some level of human responsibility for their establishment, continuation, and validity.

God is the necessary giver, but humanity is the necessary receiver. Jesus knocks, but we must answer. We pray, God moves. We tithe, God blesses.

All is a divine equation where God makes His offers and humanity is solicited to respond accordingly in ways that complete, uphold, access, and maximize what is in reality, a conditional relationship to the Creator. Ultimately, God’s love, power, blessings, and desires are only as effectual as our human capacity to respond correctly.”
– Chris Kratzer

 

 

More from The Prophet Pat Robertson preaching to the Silly Section Choir

PAT_R_SC_FLOOD-300x169

 

More from the prophet Pat Robertson:

Televangelist Pat Robertson said that people who smoked marijuana, used cocaine or consumed alcohol had been enslaved by vegetables.

“God gave you and me as human beings authority, he gave us dominion over everything on this Earth,” the TV preacher explained on Monday’s 700 Club. “Over all the animals, all the snakes, all the birds, all the plants, all the vegetables.”

“Cocaine is the product of a vegetable, alcohol is the product of a vegetable, marijuana is a vegetable,” he continued. “And yet, people are enslaved to vegetables. And you were made in the image of God. God made you in his image to reign and rule with him. He gave you incredible authority.”

“Why would you become a slave to a vegetable? Why? Why would you do it.?

Robertson said that he had “seen a lot of stuff” in his lifetime so he understood that people had a lot of problems, “but God Almighty can deliver you from the bondage of your addiction.”

“Your slavery to vegetables, he can set you free,” he insisted. –rawstory.com

 
 

The Two Great Commandments

This!!

thegoodsamaritan.jpg.w300h362

Not This!! 

Prayers to the God of War

The two great commandments, (Love God and love your neighbors) require that you not see your neighbors through the eyes of your government, your politicians and most especially your religions and your preachers.

Or this

dogma_day_r1_c1

 

Ah … er … How’s that again?

Against govt as soon as govt sends disability check

On irony … what about it oh gun-toting-set-things-righters?

want our land back really.jpg

The Bundy Siege is a Wake-Up Call: American Extremists Are Getting Desperate and Dangerous

” Thus, the central conceit of this battle is utter nonsense. By massive majorities, Nevadans do not want to give up public land to the likes of Cliven Bundy, who would use it to enrich themselves while denying access to others.

I use Nevada as a stand in for the entire western United States, even though this latest skirmish is just over the border in Oregon. Nevada is an effective case study, in part because the Sagebrush Rebellion has deep roots here. I also know about it firsthand, because I grew up an hour away from Elko, Nevada, the epicenter of the rebellion. “

On Welfare Moochers:

Bundy and Other Cattle Ranchers are Living Off Large Federal Handouts Yet Complain About Govt. Intervention

 

 

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Religion is always in the control business

hell

Retired priest: ‘Hell’ was invented by the church to control people with fear

I agree with Bishop Spong.
I’d also go further and say that the notions of original sin, atonement, redemption and a bar of judgement are the same thing.

Fundies: If you want to prove otherwise, go for it.

 

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When they open up a public forum, they do so to our advantage—to the advantage of minority religions. Who would have heard of us if it weren’t for idiots at the Liberty Counsel?

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Christian Values in the eyes of many – as if there were a monopoly on values. Or perhaps better said, what many take for granted as the only one respectable public way to be moral, religious in this country

… Oh Yeah? Tell me more.

Smart political theater or real religion? Satanic Temple’s leader on the group’s challenge to religious privilege

“What we were fighting against was that one perspective enjoyed the power of state government. We were just fighting against the worst-case scenario—that the Christian point of view had a preferred place in a government institution.

… Those who dislike us claim that we are not really a religion, but by what standard? These things beg for definition. In the Hobby Lobby case, there was no sincerity test at all, and no test that their exemption had some kind of spiritual basis. How could they relate the Bible to this idea that a corporation doesn’t have to pay for insurance for employees who then make their own choices about pregnancy? So, you have to wonder what kind of test they can possibly put to assess the religious or spiritual legitimacy of the Satanic Temple.”

 
 

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How dare they psycho-analyze Old Wrathful?

Old Wrathful

Old Wrathful

Why does the Judeo-Christian God have such a bad temper?

Me and God frown whenever you tempt us to laugh!

Stuck in their assumption that if the Bible is literal, inerrant, absolute, unchanging and possessed of only one true interpretation, those who lead believing Christian soldiers onward cannot maintain troop discipline if humor is allowed to flourish.

Get your search engine to look for Christianity, God, humor, soberness, solemnity, etc. and you will find (I promise you) serious and earnest sermons and essays on the evil of laughter.

They may appear extreme and apologists may try to dismiss them as such, but you will find writings and sermons openly critical and condemning of popular Christian writers, speakers and pastors who use and even worse – praise – humor as part of a “godly attribute.”

This sort of thinking represents one powerful aspect of why it has been said that Christian humor is an oxymoron.

 
 

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