We’ll get back to Happy Hour … but first a word from our sponsor: Big Theology Pharma.

eternal damnation syndrome
Are you suffering from EDS: Eternal Damnation Syndrome?
Folks, have you been saved?

Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior?

Accepting Jesus as your personal savior is an important moment in the life of God’s children. As the late Reverend Jerry Falwell told us, “if you are not a born again Christian you are a failure as a human being.”

If you fail as a human being you will miss out on the eternal reward that is part of God’s plan for you. Worse, you will be eternally unforgiven and left to the dungeons of Satan who shows no mercy.

Friends, until you come to understand God’s patriarchal order of things, you will remain festered with the EDS infections. As America’s premier televangelist Pat Robertson has declared solemnly,

“I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that’s the way it is, period.”

EDS can also have fatal consequences if you and your loved ones remain ignorant of the rampant spiritual warfare going on all around us. As the famous Christian warrior, General Boykin declared,

“We as Americans, we as Christians, need to understand that that’s not the enemy that America’s up against. In fact, the enemy that we’re up against is called the principality of darkness, he’s called Satan. We are in fact in a spiritual battle, ladies and gentlemen, more than we are in a physical battle.”

Now please understand – and we say this with genuine self-righteous and condescending love as we hate the sin but love the sinner – Christ Jesus and the Holy Bible are the only one true path to a cure for EDS.

As that wonderful Christian politician, Tom Delay, told us,

Only Christianity offers a way to understand that physical and moral border. Only Christianity offers a comprehensive worldview that covers all areas of life and thought, every aspect of creation. Only Christianity offers a way to live in response to the realities that we find in this world — only Christianity.” —-House Majority Whip Tom DeLay [R-Tex].

If you are not yet a born again Christian, you have EDS which is a spiritual disease with fatal consequences.

But you can act now! Call the number on the screen or drive out Rapture Road to the Forever Saved Evangelical Megachurch, where we have the antidote to EDS and are selling it at a reasonable eternal price.

We will provide for you from our formula pulpit all you need to know to protect yourself and your family from the terrible consequences of untreated EDS.

We will dose you with scripture. We will throw the Good Book at you because we know that the Bible is perfect, free from error and that includes the wonderful revelations of true science and history of our young 6000-year-old planet.

We will assure you of the literal existence of Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve (yuck yuck, that’s a joke son). We will explain how they tripped over the simplest trap God could set and left us all divinely cursed for ever with EDS – unless you let us dose you with the antidote.

We will show you how God and Noah saved the dinosaurs even though all Noah had was his humble God-designed ark.

We will teach you of the Eternal Godhead who has revealed himself as ONE God existing in THREE persons and you will better understand who is behind the plan to punish you eternally from EDS if you do not repent.

We will tell you about the Lord Jesus Christ, or as we like to refer to Him in our scriptural tone of voice, “Christ Jesus,” who waits for you to appoint Him as your savior and start the healing flow of intravenous spiritual atonement that will eradicate that pernicious EDS from your Edenic-cursed body.

You don’t have to do anything to be cured of EDS except believe in faith after you’ve paid for our product by promising forever the first ten percent of all money that ever falls into  your hands.

Eternity doesn’t come cheap and we have advertising and logistical expenses to meet as we dispense with the cure to EDS.

Once you’re into the pay cycle, Jesus has done the rest and you will be able to strut confidently through the remaining steps of your life, knowing that your future is set, safe, secure and a done deal.

Brothers and Sisters, we will reveal to you the sanctity of marriage and explain how nobody ever got married before God gifted the Jews and later the Christians with the irrevocable  patent and ownership of all marriage contracts.

Curing yourself of EDS is vital in order that you not be a failure as a human being.
We believe in the One God but are worried about Satan & His Judgment. We also believe in the reality and personality of Satan and the eternal judgment of Satan and his angels (again Satan is not a God even though we treat him like one.)

So stand up, gird up your loins and take for yourself the helmet and shield of trust in someone else’s magic.

Act now and we will double your dose of the cure and include the complete set of Left Behind novels so that you will have a better picture of what happens to those who never cure EDS.

Call now … shysters are waiting to help you.

Monkeying around with textbooks: I might make a good home-school teacher

godithinkiwilljustletthewholethingevolve

I see where the libruls are now contemplating home schooling cause the queen of multi-level soap and cream is now the Secretary of Education which makes her the darling of the creationism crowd.

I think I’ll run an ad regarding my ability to teach stuff to all the home-schoolees. I think I got the right stuff.

So I better check in on what them kids are supposed to learn when they’re sitting at the kitchen table being confused cause they couldn’t say a prayer in real school before taking a test but in their chapels-by-the-fridges they sure can.

If our textbooks have got to include warnings that such and such is only a theory, then by gum we need to apply the rule across the board. That means starting with the 3 R’s and includes the Bible.

Reading:

There should be something that says :

Warning youngster – the words you’re about to read are only the product of a theory and can only be proven by “faith”.

That means that you have to trust that what you read is telling you something useful. If you read a word you don’t understand, look it up in the dictionary. But remember that what a dictionary says is only a theory too and it might not be true.

evolution-is-a-theory

Writing:

Warning youngster – writing is the way you make your own reading show up in words. That of course means that what you want to say will only be a theory. Them who read what you write are not supposed to believe your words. Instead they have to prove to themselves about what you say by using “faith.”

Now faith is also only a theory that must be proven. So you see, everything you read and write and say and do and think and feel are only theories which you must prove by faith – again, which is only a theory.

Getting complicated for you?

Well that’s what your smart parents think is the best way for you to grow up and be as smart as they think they are. By the way, Working with books in this way ain’t the way they grew up to be as smart as they are.

Arithmatic:

(This is where it gets good.)

Any number is only a theory. If I have two apples in my hand, that means that I’m holding two theoretical things that might or might not be apples. An “apple” is a theory about a certain kind of “fruit” which – theoretically- is something that grew once before getting killed by harvesting or falling off a theoretical tree. The apple still tastes sweet – even if it is dead – and is good for you to eat.

But then eating only for pleasure might be sinful which again is only a theory.

Anyway, I have two theoretical apples in my two hands which are theoretical products of evolution which is … (you guessed it – a theory).

Now them apples may be the product of “intelligent design” – what some of your parents says ain’t a theory cause they read it in their not-a-theory Bible.

I don’t know why the Bible isn’t considered a theory but for many grown-ups it ain’t. But fair is fair and if yer folks learned that the Bible isn’t theory because they exercised their own faith, then by gum what was good enough for them’ll be good enough for you.

So New Rule:

The Bible contains theories that must be proven by faith.

Now back to Arithmatic:

I have two (which may or may not be an accurate count) apples (which may or may not be apples.) You ask me to give you one – theoretically. Now if I ain’t theoretically selfish and you look theoretically needy or deserving, I might theoretically decide to “share” (a theoretical virtue) and give you one half of how many apples I’m holding in my theoretical evolutionized hands.

What’s that you say?

How do you know a half is really a half? You just have to take it on faith you uppity little whippersnapper.

Image result for math and creationism

See what I mean?

In order to make schooling consistent and the same way all across the board, were going have to post a sticker on the Bible that says

“Contains theories that can only be proven by faith.”

Well, it’s a start but I’d hate to be teaching a Sunday School class for kids or adults using these here criterias.

mancreatedingodsimage

And what hell there’d be to pay trying to teach kids about theoretical birds and bees whose lusty behavior has to be taken on faith.

… Regarding the gods and prophets of our modern fundamentalists … the same will be said.

bulfinch

Thomas Bulfinch … who said in the opening lines of the first chapter of his 19th-century masterpiece, (If you can’t find the book, look here)

“The religions of ancient Greece and Rome are extinct. The so-called divinities of Olympus have not a single worshiper among living men. They belong now not to the department of theology, but to those of literature and taste.

There they still hold their place, and will continue to hold it, for they are too closely connected with the finest productions of poetry and art, both ancient and modern, to pass into oblivion.”

About Sacred-Texts

… Regarding the gods and prophets of our modern fundamentalists … the same will be said.

Being religious without a script

thegoodsamaritan.jpg.w300h362

The Second is like unto the First.

What does it mean to live spiritually?How might we define Spiritual-Mindedness?

Do we need to belong to a church to feel religious?

Can we self-identify as individual human beings focused on goodness and moral integrity without performing as a church-attender or one who belongs to a group of like-minded human beings who are “religious” together?

Can one find satisfaction in the privacy of one’s own thoughts – reflecting one’s own values by an outward behavior not intended to draw attention to one’s self?

Can we seek goodness for the sake of goodness without a concern that others see us as good, worthy, or righteous (whatever that means?)

Is genuine moral living with a focus on walking uprightly in reverence to all things something someone else needs to validate for us?

The answer ought be obvious.

We are the masters and commanders of our own lives, We can only live and love sincerely and genuinely of our own free will and accord … without the by-your-leave of anyone else.

As it ought to be.

Let us not then worry about our public self-portrait as an expression of conformity to someone else’s notions.

Let us be our own persons, fully possessing ownership and proprietorship of how we live, what values we live by and all things we deem worthy of reverence.

A spirit-driven life need not be a system of chores, obligations and religious mechanics of motion by which a human being then feels “spiritual.”

Might the alternative to religious obligatory performing might be a hunger for a non-verbal experience of whatever divinity is and the steps one might create by one’s own light and wisdom to achieve that?

Ought we be able to be human without some need to “perform” for visible peers acting on the same stage or invisible deities sitting in a divine audience perhaps maintaining invisible mental, emotional and spiritual “critiques” of our performance?

Performance?

Must we worry about performance as a spiritual way of life?

A religion of performances with rewards and punishments might involve the following equation as an expressive answer to such a question.

Obedience + Worthiness = Spirituality and Blessings

In thinking about the variety of religions that conceive of God as a supernatural being to whom there is an obligation to worship, obey and “please” (satisfy), might we then try to portray precisely what sort of movable head sits on a throne at the pinnacle of an imagined spiritual and mental construct?

Many religions, many systems of spiritual belief and many spirit-influenced cultures do not understand religion  in any sense of performance pointed toward reward or fear of punishment.

Can anyone really provide or make available for us a spiritual experience of the divine?

Would it make sense that such experience is possible only through connection to some other human being? Regarding some other human being, can we define our own reality rather than let someone else do it for us? If we cannot, then is not such a reality our own?

Would it not be a reality that we have borrowed  –  a way of seeing life that has been “loaned” to us by someone else? As a loan, will not the lender only validate our use of loaned magic as we use it in ways approved by the lender?

In other words, our magic  is not our magic – is it not the lender’s? Would not such a borrowed spiritual reality be formulaic by definition in that it can’t be validated unless we adhere to the lender’s requirements?

If one is feeling a desire for a sense of living a religious life how might such a life proceed free from the formulas of someone else?

Can we bring a certain sense of what I call “mystic-mindedness”  that blends critical thinking which does not rely merely on logic and provable  fact but also with an internal feeling and perception that captures a sense of awe and wonder at being a part of life in some non-measurable way?

Might I suggest that it is your internal feeling that reflects whether spiritual-mindedness is part of how we  view and interact with life – whatever “reality/the real world” is to you?

Why would it be significant to understand how we individually view reality in a spiritual sense?

Many from a churched place of perception seem to see reality as an earthly world governed spiritually by a divine monarch – a king who commands, judges and rewards/punishes. There is an element of religious literalism that drives such a churched way of being.

Literalism is what might  work as a way of perceiving, judging and being. In this sense we see in our churches a world of spiritual reference materials and text books as manuals of formulaic instruction and codes of moral rules and rituals.

There is nothing wrong with this so long as one’s natural stance tends to be a response to God as a lawgiver whose scripture is in fact law – the letter of the law.

But might there not be a more personal way – driven by one’s own passion – to commune with the Divine in perceptual and conceptual ways one has created from one’s own personal soul-hunger?

… from out of the literal minds of white evangelical Christianity emerged some of the silliest fiction ever written

 

 

Years ago from out of the literal minds of white evangelical Christianity emerged some of the silliest fiction ever written. Literally millions of readers went prophetically gaga.

Why, that series was so good, every thrift store in America still has a gaggle of those noisy books just in case you haven’t read them.

That’s why the title of this article is so spot on.

“The upshot of this survey is that white evangelicals want to go back to Ozzie and Harriet—in time, behavior, and gender roles. This does not bode well for their influence in the future, and their embrace of Donald Trump and his alt-right followers will hurt them far more than they can imagine politically. This excellent report shows that despite all of their protestations, white evangelicals and Protestants are truly the ones who are left behind.”

Another way to describe a performance-based-religion.

“At the heart of all conservative, Evangelical Christianity is the sum of Satan’s biggest ploy, a mixed Gospel that is in truth, no Gospel at all—an imposturous trick of grandiose proportions that pimps a “good news” proclamation deemed to be straight from the throne of God that is in reality only partially good news, if good news at all.

God loves you, BUT.
He saves you, BUT.
He blesses you, BUT … you must repent, make a faith choice, and love Him back in all the right ways, or else.

This is the essence of a mixed Gospel, always containing some level of human performance for its existence and effectiveness in one’s life. God does His part, but you need to do yours—until then, a divine connection is hit or miss at best, and nothing of God reaches beyond this divide until you appropriately reach back.

This is bad news—terrible news. God and His dealings with all humanity are deemed as contractual and conditional at the core, requiring some level of human responsibility for their establishment, continuation, and validity.

God is the necessary giver, but humanity is the necessary receiver. Jesus knocks, but we must answer. We pray, God moves. We tithe, God blesses.

All is a divine equation where God makes His offers and humanity is solicited to respond accordingly in ways that complete, uphold, access, and maximize what is in reality, a conditional relationship to the Creator. Ultimately, God’s love, power, blessings, and desires are only as effectual as our human capacity to respond correctly.”
– Chris Kratzer

 

How dare they psycho-analyze Old Wrathful?

Old Wrathful

Old Wrathful

Why does the Judeo-Christian God have such a bad temper?

Me and God frown whenever you tempt us to laugh!

Stuck in their assumption that if the Bible is literal, inerrant, absolute, unchanging and possessed of only one true interpretation, those who lead believing Christian soldiers onward cannot maintain troop discipline if humor is allowed to flourish.

Get your search engine to look for Christianity, God, humor, soberness, solemnity, etc. and you will find (I promise you) serious and earnest sermons and essays on the evil of laughter.

They may appear extreme and apologists may try to dismiss them as such, but you will find writings and sermons openly critical and condemning of popular Christian writers, speakers and pastors who use and even worse – praise – humor as part of a “godly attribute.”

This sort of thinking represents one powerful aspect of why it has been said that Christian humor is an oxymoron.